ADHD Women don't fit neatly into the old school "BOY diagnosis rulebook"
Most women I work with have been holding it all together for decades - functioning through systems, adaptation, people-pleasing, perfectionism, over-preparing, staying quiet, staying useful...yet believing they're the problem, rather than recognising a brain that's been working overtime in environments that asked a lot of it.
Do you recognise yourself in any of these below? Maybe you can relate to them ALL...
The Over-Functioner
The woman who keeps going way past her limits. Meeting expectations even when she's exhausted. She's praised for being resilient, coping so well, and just getting on with things. And then there comes the burnout...and repeat. From the outside, she looks fine, but functioning in this way has been maintained at signigicant personal cost.
The Perfectionist
She rewrites messages in her notes app, or over in her head more times than she'd like to admit, before sending them - or having conversations in person. She spends far longer on tasks than anyone expects her to. From the outside she is described as careful and thorough - but what's often driving all of this is the fear of saying the wrong thing, being judged, or not confirming a sense that she's not quite getting it right.
The Over-Loaded
The woman who has managed for years, decades actually. She's coped, adapted, and held things together until suddenly it stops working. Often when midlife adds more to the mix. Hormonal changes, caring for aging parents, losing loved ones, less mental and emotional capacity along with less time to recover. There comes a point where the strategies that once kept everything afloat no longer do. From the outside it can look like sudden breakdown, but it's often the point where long-term masking and overload finally become unsustainable.
The Highly Organised
She relies on systems to function - lists, alarms, routines, direct debits. She triple-checks and has a place for everything. This isn't natural organisation. It often develops after years of feeling embarrassed or anxious when things slip and she has realised how much shame stings. From the outside it looks like she has it all together. Inside it's driven by a deep fear of dropping the ball and being found out.
The People Pleaser
The woman who agrees too quickly and always tries to smooth things over. She prioritises keeping things comfortable even when it costs her. She learned from an early age that being accommodating reduced friction and that having needs made things harder. She is seen as kind and flexible - but deep down she is driven by a fear of rejection or being seen as different.
The Adapter
She reads the room first - working out how others speak, joke and react...and then adjusts herself to match. She's good at fitting into different spaces, but it takes constant effort and there's very little room to relax or be unguarded. From the outside she seems socialble - but this often comes from years spent compensating for not having the social rule book that everyone else seemed to just get.
The Quiet One
She doesn't say much in groups - just listens and nods and keeps her thoughts to herself. She often has plenty to say but has learned that speaking up, or getting things wrong drew attention she didn't want. To others she may seem easygoing or low-maintenance but this is often because it's easier for her not to ask for much and to stay in the background of things, despite wishing she could show up more.
Why do we often miss early diagnosis?
Women with ADHD often internalise their symptoms, which contrasts sharply with the more obvious external behaviours typically seen in men.
The stereotypes are very outdated, which means many women are often given incorrect diagnoses of anxiety or depression.
Why? Instead of appearing through hyperactivity or disruptive actions, their ADHD may present as chronic feelings of overwhelm, persistent chaos and exhaustion in their personal and professional lives, and significant emotional dysregulation.
This internalisation means that the external signs of ADHD are subtler and more likely to be overlooked by parents, teachers, and even healthcare professionals.
I help women who have been diagnosed later in life to realise that it can be so empowering and validating to finally have answers to everything you've experienced in life.
An important point to note is that you don't just suddenly "get ADHD" - you have always had it and I hope that this takes away the fear of a new diagnosis. You don't have a broken brain that needs to be fixed - you simply have a neuro-developmental variation with both burdens and brilliance that can be leveraged so much once you fully understand your self.
This is just the beginning.
